Are you Waiting for Godot?

Screenshot 2019-06-02 at 15.45.04

 

Do things happen to you or
do you happen to things?

Are you still waiting for
something to turn up?

 

 

 

You know the Becket play, Waiting for Godot? Two men meet and they’re both waiting for someone called Godot. Two other characters appear and join in sporadic talk for a bit, then leave. A boy enters to say that Godot isn’t coming tonight but will come tomorrow. The two original men decide to leave but don’t actually leave. Curtain fall. Act 2: more or less the same thing happens. The men again decide to leave, but are still there when the curtain falls.

This sounds like it might be an article about the importance of setting goals and going for them. But it isn’t: or at least not quite. It might turn out to be about proactivity….

There’s a folksong refrain that often comes into my head, “I love my love because I know my love loves me.” It’s from “I Love My Love”, set by Gustav Holst. The sentiment used to feel true to me, but now that seems all wrong. Do you love someone because they love you? Do you choose your friends? Mostly, I didn’t. If someone seemed to like me, I saw the possibility of friendship. An attractive man showed an interest in me? I’d then respond and something might blossom.

A friend of mine at university had her eyes focused on the person she wanted to marry from the very first weeks; she did all the running and made it happen. That seemed amazing to me and even, if I’m honest, a flouting of unwritten rules. But it wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet someone to share my life with – I did – but I was waiting for something to happen.

“I’ll do it when such and such happens.” Funny isn’t it that ‘such and such’ never does happen? I’ll change my job when …. I’ll do something about my relationship when …. I’ll take a holiday on my own when …. I’ll speak to my colleague when …. When Godot comes, I’ll ….

Many people say to themselves, “I’ll start to do public speaking when I’m a bit more confident.” “When I’m confident” is a very common precondition. But confidence grows with small acts of doing. You can hear the nonsense when you say, I’ll start to grow my confidence when I’m confident enough to start to grow my confidence which, as I just said, will be when …. Stuckness often comes from insisting on perfection from the word go, making you unwilling to risk performing below par, or to risk rejection, humiliation, criticism, pity or indeed anything at all.

There’s a thoughtless confidence before testing – the child who hasn’t known rejection, the singer whose voice has never yet let him down. But for confidence worth having you have to come through a certain amount of not yet having it to the extent you would like it. Not assaulted beyond reason, by the way: few people these days would throw their 2 year old in the deep end of the pool to teach them to swim. Trauma doesn’t build confidence.

What’s the answer? Godot knows. But making proactivity your friend is good, so here’s an idea or two:

Notice what choices you actually make currently in your life, even the little ones, including what you eat, TV programmes you watch, holidays you plan. Are you currently a bit short on proactivity? You might be amazed at how much in your life is either routine or planned by others.

Remember times of proactivity – those occasions in your life when you made a choice and took a step into the unknown. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. Recall the time with pleasure, and remind yourself, “I did that.”

Choose or change something small in an area of your life. Any change, if it’s a real change for you, is great practice in proactivity. Choose anything where afterwards it will give you pleasure to say to yourself, “I did that.”

Face the fear. What stops you from being proactive in an area of your life that you really want to change? E.g. as you think, “I’ll take a holiday on my own when …”, wait till you’ve come to the end of excuses, and then ask yourself, “What really stops you?” Is it fear? That’s the most likely reason. Maybe the fear is huge. So what might be a small step towards that holiday? Maybe spending a day away on your own? Then that’s the thing to do. Plan your day with enthusiasm and care, fix the date, and go for it. Afterwards, write down everything that pleased you about how you lived the experience. There will probably be the odd negative as well, but stick for now to what pleased you. And say to yourself with pleasure, “I did that.”

“I did that. And now I will do this.”

You will.

What are we all waiting for? Godot?

 

WHAT ELSE?

The Art of Conversation

Screenshot 2019-02-10 at 14.44.47My latest book is just out – published by Capstone in April.  It explores ways not only to build the skills to converse well but how to reach each other at a level where trust blossoms and new understanding is created between you. The possibility of more fruitful connection and cooperation has deep implications, not only for success in our everyday encounters, but also for our wider world in this century of change. It follows on well from my previous book, The Art of Conversation. Here’s a short excerpt published in Minutehack .

You can quickly get a hard copy or Kindle or audio editions from the world’s largest online publisher, or your local bookshop – e.g. Waterstones.

If you enjoy it as I very much hope you will, I’d greatly appreciate it if you’d write a review on Amazon.

TEDx Norwich Ed

I'm Speaking at- Sqaure (1)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m one of the speakers for this popular TEDx event on 13 July in Norwich. They have just released extra tickets if you want to come.

Sound and Voice Forensics for Coaches: 26 June

I’m running a session for the EMCC (European Mentoring and Coaching Council) in Guildford on 26 June at 7 PM. Non-members are very welcome, and you can register here. Just go to ‘Create a new account’ to book.

As a coach you want to be able to hear in a client’s voice what is going on for them. Each nuance of tone gives clues to particular feelings and states of mind.

Moreover, if you have freedom in your own voice you have the potential to connect better, to influence your client’s state; to invite them subtly to enter a different level of connection. It’s a tool that you can employ in numerous different ways, and essential for a coach.

I’m confident that after the session, you will appreciate the sheer wonder and usefulness of sound, both for hearing information that is not said, and for connecting beyond the actual words you use.

See you there?

 

The Art of Communication – How to Really Get Through to People When You Speak: 3 July

And I’m giving another talk open to all. 3 July in Surbiton, Surrey at 7 PM . Hosted by CIMA (Chartered Institute of Management Accountants). More information here

We all want the skills and confidence to get our message across when we give a presentation. However, there’s a huge gap between people hearing what you say, and their connecting with your communication, let alone acting on what you say or changing their thinking or attitude because of it. Most talk — in meetings, the boardroom, presentations, conferences — doesn’t cross that gap, however fluent your language, firm your voice and confident your physiology. If you want to sell services or an idea, if you want to influence, or even establish good relations, you have to do much more than deliver competently. Find out how in this interactive session.

 

 

The Noble Art of Going Backwards

ay_110912281-e1369678833423Did you know that the first Ford car had no reverse gear?

I know of a 95 year old who gave up using reverse on his car, as he had little flexibility to see what was happening behind. Fortunately, the local church that was his Sunday morning destination had a very large turning circle in front and other churchgoers knew when to look scarce.

A fly trying to escape from a room has a single-choice plan – throw yourself forward at the light. As a strategy it sucks – glass windows have been around for over 500 years; but it’s hard to fault the logic: “Why choose reverse when your goal is ahead of you!

Reversibility

Reversibility is a feature of Moshe Feldenkrais’s Feldenkrais Method, one of several 20th Century movements that connect mind and body. His method of teaching self-awareness through movement attributed great importance to the concept of reversibility. It basically meant the capacity to stop a movement at any point and then go in the opposite direction with a minimum of hesitation, and this was a key criterion for determining whether a particular movement was done well. Try it for yourself: slowly lower yourself onto a low sofa and change your mind just as you touch the cushion! Most people just collapse for the last few centimetres!

Feldenkrais was also a practitioner of the martial arts, and I discovered in my own pursuit of Aikido the importance of being sufficiently balanced to reverse a movement in an eye-blink when required. It’s a great feeling, to have charge of your body in this way.

All very good, but most of us, I suspect, think far more about the route forward towards our goals than about possible routes backwards.

And yet, there are advantages to going backwards …

A strange thing happens in yoga connected with reversibility: when I have reached the limit of my stretch in a particular direction, if I imagine slackening off the effort in that direction and coming away from my edge, my body sometimes goes easily beyond that limit in that same direction, even way beyond, when the feeling has been one of giving myself permission to give up altogether! Pushing forwards isn’t always the best strategy for moving forwards.

The story goes that the scientist Marie Curie found the answer to a problem she’d been tussling with for 3 years the night after she let go of it for good. It’s not unusual.

The idea of flexibility, including the ability to reverse at will, has been part of my thinking for quite some time. I mention reversibility only briefly in my latest book, The Art of Communication, but the concept is there in almost every page. Conversation is an impromptu activity. However much you plan what you’re going to say in advance, you’ll be very lucky if it goes that way. Conversation just isn’t like that; you have to be light on your feet, ready to twist in a different direction at any point in the dance. In fact, any real response is always a flexible one.

We all need a reverse gear. And particularly now, when the world is more than ever hunkering down into different camps, each reading only its own material, believing its own half-truths and relating to other groups only in dichotomous terms of us good, you bad; us right, you wrong (“I’m smart; you’re dumb. I’m big; you’re little. I’m right; you’re wrong.” as Matilda’s Dad famously said with similarly suspect erudition).

Pushing rigidly forward is always to miss a trick. When you get into an argument, it’s always useful to change the pace by agreeing with something, however tangential. It’ll certainly change the other person’s rhythm and give you the opportunity to throw something different into the mix. And if you’re relentlessly pushing yourself toward a goal of your own, it’s always helpful to take a day or a week off and turn to something quite different – trekking, cycling, exploring – it clears your head and frees you up again.

My flexibility challenge

My weekly yoga class has come round again. My flexibility challenge for today is to stand on one leg for a minute without holding on. (Try it: good for your bones quite apart from the experiment.) Then ask yourself, “What makes for success in this particular endeavour?” On trying it myself, I think it’s this:

  • infinite micro-adjustments
  • lack of self-consciousness
  • the spirit of fun or at least experiment (i.e. not trying too hard)
  • confidence
  • … and keeping your eyes open!

Well, there’s a “Thought for Life” for today?!

 

WHAT ELSE?

I’m excited about this!

unnamed

I’ll be one of the speakers for this TEDx event on 13 July  in Norwich – “Europe’s only Full Day TEDxED event”, as the organisers remind me!

Tickets apparently vanish very quickly, so buy yours in the next couple of days if you want to come!

You can meet several of the speakers tonight on Facebook Live- #tedxnorwiched – from 7.30 pm. See you there?

 

Spirit of Coaching

It’s a while since we held one of these beautiful events in London. Just to remind you, there is no charge, but you need to register.

Screenshot 2019-05-15 at 10.03.41

https://globalcooperationhouse.org/whatson-full/singleeevent/58528

More details here

 

Want to read an excerpt from The Art of Communication?

Here’s a short excerpt published in the online magazine, Minutehack  –https://minutehack.com/opinions/more-than-words-the-art-of-communication

 

The days are getting long; the sun’s shining as I write this :-)
Go well,

Judy

Learning and Unlearning

Paintings

 

People have started asking me what my new book The Art of Communication is about, and I flounder: “Well, whatever my last book The Art of Conversation was about, this one’s about … not that.”

Great. That’s clear then. It’s about what your last book isn’t about. Have I got that right?

Uhh, yes. The last book was about how to become better at conversation. This one’s about the next stage after that. The only thing is that the next stage reverses almost everything you learned before, which can feel counter-intuitive at times. For instance:

At first, you learn how to be able to keep up a flow of conversation. Later, you learn that communication is often about keeping silent and just listening, even sometimes through an awkward pause.

At first, you learn how to focus on what’s being said. Later, you learn how to focus on what’s not being said.

At first you pick up new tools that are effective and satisfying. Later, techniques fall away and you just are, transparent you – which is a much more vulnerable place to be.

At first, you learn that body movement and tone of voice make a big difference. Later, you learn that the most important signs and sources of connection are invisible.

At first, you delight in building your confidence and knowing what you are doing. Later, you find out that communication is also about knowing nothing at all.

Counter-intuitive perhaps, but that’s the wonder of it. It shows you how to breathe life into your relationships and produce powerful new thinking. You may even find that new insights, ideas and creative thoughts emerge from your daily conversations.

From Do to Be (doo bee doo bee)

Moreover, this counter-intuitive reversal applies to more than communication. Let’s say you become very good at something – it might be mathematics, medicine, playing the violin, archery or motorcycle maintenance. Then, when you have mastered everything you can, if you are blessed you break through to the next lever, which is something new – an intuition, a “feel for” – where knowledge and ability are no longer primary.

At this point, it becomes difficult to give expression to what has changed. Ask a true expert in anything how they achieve what they achieve, and they’ll struggle to explain beyond the basics. “I don’t know, I just know…” (a nice phrase in itself). Or they explain in riddles: “I just become my instrument.” “The answer reveals itself.”

Often a child has a natural instinct for some activity, and seems to achieve what a master could work a lifetime to achieve. In art for instance, how confusing it is for adults when a child paints a picture that is mistaken for a great master by experts! But that is the journey. We start with a natural instinct; then we lose the instinct as we learn more, and spend the rest of our lives learning how to recapture “the first fine careless rapture” within the wisdom of experience.

Innocence and experience

I mention in my book how struck I was by a short film of the artist Henri Matisse in old age, too frail to paint, cutting shapes to make his famous collages – scissors in one hand, painted paper held precariously mid-air in the other. Regarding his collage work, he wrote that your instinct needs to be kept fresh like a child, but with all the wealth of your experience behind you.

Finally, after a lifetime of learning, we arrive back at the same place we were at as a child but – as described by T S Eliot – now we know what we are doing. The Master and the child both achieve “the first fine careless rapture”, but the Master knows how it is done.

It is true that the odd child’s painting has deceived art experts. But when a controlled experiment was set up pitting the work of established artists against that of preschool children (as well as elephants, chimps etc.), a majority of people could tell the difference between the art of the child and the art of the recognised artist. (One comparison is pictured above.) They might struggle to explain in detail why they rated the artist’s painting higher, but they found a greater sense of intention or purpose in it.

Is any of this relevant for leadership?

Here are three thoughts:

  1. Don’t assume the spontaneous ease of good leadership is easy (music, art, communication and relationship likewise). Flow and sure instinct emerge from much experience.
  2. Until you reach true mastery, the best decisions can sometimes feel counter-intuitive. Always look beyond your first assessment of a situation to the bigger picture with its multiple threads leading backwards and forwards. (Topical tip: if you want to be a leader of nations, at the very least learn to play chess or Go – i.e. study systems).
  3. Don’t be always “out there”. Allow space for silence and not knowing. Find frequent times to come back in stillness to yourself.

By the way, the phrase “first fine careless rapture” comes from Robert Browning’s Home Thoughts From Abroad, and his “wise thrush” knows how it’s done. 

That’s the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!

A quote to herald the spring …

Go well,

Judy

The Art of Communication

is available for pre-order here. To be released in the next few days – can’t wait!

Coaching

In coaching you find a vital thinking space where you come back to yourself. A few simple conversations with a coach can be life changing and worth the investment many times over. Email me or call me on 01306 886114 if you want an initial conversation about what coaching might do for you.

Ease in Public Speaking

As a first step, download my E-course, 10 Secrets for Overcoming Performance Anxiety

The Surrey Earthquake

My colleague Neil Scotton wrote a powerful piece the night of our local earth tremor a couple of weeks ago. Find it here.

Mob Fever

Spy and the TraitorOh my goodness! I’ve just read The Spy and the Traitor, the true spy story of the Cold War by Ben McIntyre. John Le Carré called it the best true spy story he had ever read. It’s certainly a gripping tale.

Reading it, one thing that strikes me forcibly is the amount of misinformation there was in the media and political statements during the Cold War. We the public, let alone most politicians and journalists of the time, didn’t know the half of it. The Russians were even trying to alter the course of our elections, though without success, as far back as 1983. MI6 from time to time deliberately fed misleading information to our politicians and the media, in order to guard their sources and protect our democracy. For me, it’s a strong reminder of how we are unknowingly fed inaccurate information at every turn and can do little about it. Anyone who has worked for the secret services would say it was ever thus.

It’s not just the matter of the odd bit of wrong information. It shows us how, through such strategies, whole nations can be caught up with a mood, a fever, an energy that pushes inexorably in one direction.

In the early 80s, the chairman of the KGB, partly spooked by the gung-ho rhetoric of newly elected US President Reagan, announced to his senior KGB officers that America was planning to launch a nuclear first strike to obliterate the Soviet Union. (They weren’t.) He ordered his officers to bring back as much evidence as they could. And KGB chiefs in various countries around the world brought back evidence simply because not to do so would have been seen as a failure, thus stoking the flames of paranoia. In 1983, unbeknown to most of us, the world drew very close to nuclear conflict, based on a lie.

Fortunately – spoiler alert – a spy feeding information to the British Government at the time was able to alert his British handlers to USSR thinking and the British in turn were able to calm the Americans.

It makes me think, fake news is one thing, and the world is, was and probably always will be prey to it. But getting caught up in crowd fever is another. I’m aware of the forces even in my own life. A month ago it was the inexorable build-up-to-Christmas fever, then the FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) madness of post Christmas sales. And now it’s hype about the countdown to leaving the EU and the shift of power in the US House of Representatives. Negative energy is particularly powerful when augmented by crowd hysteria. You know: “Lock her up!” (Hilary Clinton), the vans with “Go home or face arrest!” emblazoned on the side (illegal – well paperless – immigrants), the conspiracy theories …

I’m not immune – far from it. But I do know that I don’t have to get caught up in crowd madness. I don’t have to get worked up by seasonal promotions and media hype. And regarding manipulation on a wider scale, I don’t have to read the news on line that filters my preferences (prejudices), or listen to it on the radio and watch it on TV seven or eight times a day, which gets me incensed against particular individuals and raises my blood pressure. I don’t have to accept the media’s choice of top news, designed to make me get angry and then succumb to anger addiction.

I can step off.

I like the comment in e e cummings’ poem (the title – “the divine right of majorities, that illegitimate offspring of the divine right of kings” Homer Lea – is almost longer than the poem!):

here are five simple facts no sub

human superstate ever knew
(1 )we sans love equals mob
love being youamiare

“We sans love equals mob” – I like it, don’t you?

So, step off.

Thinking definitely makes a difference. As Hamlet so wisely said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. For example, I’m aware that people sort of know when I’m not well disposed towards them however much I hide it, and that alters their behaviour. Not surprising – goodness, even cats and dogs know, even fish, they say.

If ever there were a time to think about good outcomes, it’s now – “love being you-am-I-are”. Thinking differently prevented a nuclear holocaust in 1983. I’m sure it can help us now. Time to step off the evil bandwagon. There’s a new year’s resolution I can subscribe to.

Wishing you all manner of good things – and good thoughts! – in 2019,

Judy

The Art of Communication

– “How to be authentic, lead others and create strong relationships.” I’m busy with the final edits for my new book which comes out in March (not to be confused with my last book, The Art of Conversation!). It’s available for preorder on Amazon here.

To give you a sense of it:

You can get so far in conversation by becoming articulate, having things to talk about and learning the give and take of two-way discourse and the skills of debate. But that isn’t sufficient to give you a meaningful or wholehearted connection that leads somewhere genuinely new or worthwhile. As Ali Smith said powerfully in her lovely book, AutumnIt has become a time of people saying stuff to each other and none of it actually becoming dialogue.

This requires different abilities, such as intuition, open-heartedness, spontaneity, lightness of touch and ease with uncertainty. Unlike the left-brain patterns and rational themes most often taught as “communication skills”, these abilities depend on the often-neglected attention of the right hemisphere of the brain.

Go well!

 

What do you want?

reach for the stars

reach for the stars

“What do you want?” Everyone seems to be asking it at the moment. “What do you want for Christmas? Make a list!” So then I put pen to paper and – with difficulty – try to decide, “What do I want? Mmm …” A contemporary suggested it’s the phrase that parents say to their children all the time these days, “What do you want?” “What do you want to wear?”  “What do you want for supper?” – as opposed to the “Eat what you’re given” attitude in our day.

It’s the perennial coaching question too, “What do you want?” Almost every model of coaching is goal or outcome oriented: “Yes, you’ve described your problem, yes, I understand that life is currently hell … and now, what do you want?”

I’d like to identify two kinds of wants for the moment. One is the choice want. “What do you want for supper? There’s sausages or macaroni cheese.” And even if you’re not particularly partial to either, you run a sort of test inside, this or that? By the way – info here – you are not expected to answer, “Neither. I really fancy an avocado salad.” And mostly you don’t even think of saying that, you understand it’s about choosing. It’s what John Whitmore is chiefly talking about in his GROW coaching model (Goal, Reality, Options, Will). You have a Goal, which does not match your current Reality. You discuss various Options for reaching your goal, and then choose your best option, what you Will do.

There’s another kind of want. Someone asked me once, “How on earth did you manage to write a whole book?” and I was nonplussed for a moment. The truthful answer was, “Because I wanted to,” but that want was a big all-consuming one that had a lot of emotional energy in it. I really wanted to write that book; I desired it.

Such a funny word desire. It’s the devilish tempter in religion, using its power to lead us astray, away from duty, purity and obedience. So it makes a lot of us uneasy. But in its essence it’s what gives our life meaning and moves us to create and accomplish. Desire is a wonderful, passionate, powerful force that takes us over and makes accomplishment effortless. Remember when you’ve had it. You suddenly get a joyful urge to do something, accompanied (temporarily at least) with a confidence that it is possible. You might meet obstacles further on, (you probably will), but desire launches you into creativity an action. “I know!” you think, “I’ll plant tulips in the lawn, and next spring it’ll look amazing!” “I know!” you think, “I’ll invite my new friends to supper, and we’ll have an amazing evening.” “I know!” you think, “I’ll build a boat!” And the powerful feeling of want fills you, warms you and energises you.

When the Magisterium condemns emotion in its determination to save us from temptation and sin, it is trying to cut off a limb. Desire or wanting is vital to our navigation through life. Every creative step is a step into the unknown. Reason or good sense doesn’t provide an adequate compass, but that vibration of desire often does. And it matures when you begin to trust it.

“What do you want?”

“And what do you really want?”

“And, having that, what do you have and what do you really want?”

And eventually, you feel the throbbing joy of knowing, “Yes, that is what I want.”

As part of a major de-cluttering exercise I’ve been up in the loft sorting through old drawings and paintings. It hit me forcibly when I saw paintings I’d completely forgotten about that I’d created in my twenties. I really liked some of them. The energy and desire I’d experienced at the time came flooding right back. What a joy it was to play with paint at that time! I just really wanted to create a picture. I didn’t think about whether a painting was good or not – I threw my everything into it and it just was.

The years pass. You live in the real world now – career, responsibility, children maybe. And doubt creeps in, especially that greyest of all doubts – is this thing really worth doing? Wants become so subsumed into the needs of life and others that it’s hard to know what you want any more.

I want to remember that  “I threw my everything into it and it just was”. Are you tempted too? What might we do this month with that kind of joyful energy?

Or … let’s go for it … what about lending that attitude to whatever we do for a while?   Did you know that the word desire comes from the Latin phrase, de sidere, “from the stars”? Let’s follow our star!

Good month for it! :-)

Here’s wishing you a happy time.

Judy

 

Want a book?

My new book, The Art of Communication, is due out on 22 March. Pre-order for Christmas? You can, here.

The Art of Conversation
What an important topic! Conversational skill isn’t really about being articulate and having a fund of things to talk about – though that’s what most books on the subject would suggest. It’s more about being at ease with who you are and knowing how to connect with others. Only then do you have authentic and satisfying conversations.

Butterflies and Sweaty Palms
This is a book about performance anxiety – offering 25 different strategies to perform with confidence. But it’s not just about presenting and performing – you’ll find its ideas useful for eliminating anxiety throughout your life.

Voice and Speaking Skills for Dummies
The perfect resource to discover the power of your voice, understand how it works and use it like a professional, whether in meetings, addressing an audience, or standing in front of a classroom.

Voice of Influence
“The body language of sound”. Like body language, your voice gives you away. Find your authentic voice, speak powerfully and influentially, and reach people on a deeper level.

Want a few tips at home?

Sign up for a free E-course to enjoy at home (I never share your email with anyone):

10 Secrets for Overcoming Performance Anxiety
How to Speak with More Authority
Understanding NLP
10 Tips for Having a Great Conversation
How to Raise Your Profile

Want some help?

Whether you already feel successful or are struggling with challenges, coaching can help you make the most of your potential. Email me or call on 01306 886114 if you want an initial conversation about what coaching might do for you. Coaching can take place face-to-face or via Skype or phone.

And for voice coaching – it’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. Do you realise what an amazing potential resource you have in your voice? How you come across depends on your voice and how you use your body AND your breath. Self consciousness is the grand saboteur. You’ll experience positive results after even a single coaching session. Email me or call me on 01306 886114.

“Beliefs are sacrosanct.” … Interesting belief …

 

kisspng-cadaver-death-clip-art-corpse-5b21603151dc00.4161339415289139693353There’s an old story I first heard from Robert Dilts. A man in a mental institution believes that he’s dead. No one is able to shake him of this belief. The doctor asks him, “Do dead people bleed?” “Of course not!” replies the man. So the therapist pricks the patient (is this allowed?) and shows him the drop of blood. “Well, darn me,” exclaims the patient, “Dead people do bleed!”

Beliefs can be tricksters.

We like to think we can influence and persuade people, but on the whole people don’t give up their beliefs easily. One of the problems with beliefs is their uncertain provenance. We might like to categorise them as items of logic and back them up with more or less rational arguments, but they are actually made up of a curious complex blend of pictures/videos, internal dialogue and sensations/feelings. This foundation is rarely examined, yet provides the basis for beliefs that can be exceedingly strong. Beliefs are seldom changed by any weight of evidence to the contrary, as you may well have found with people you know.

Let me think of a couple of examples:

As a child, I excelled at school though I was very young for my class. I liked to believe that I was cleverer than anyone else, particularly cleverer since I was so young. It certainly gave me a sense of self-worth – oh, okay, superiority. The fact that my father was highly intelligent and that my mother was an early nurturer and natural teacher wasn’t part of my thinking. I believed that I did well because I was clever. My rational “because-s” were all about self-merit.

The “I’m better than you” belief of superiority is common. A friend of mine voted UKIP in the last couple of elections. He believes that we get to where we are through merit, and that if people are poor they are in that situation through their own failings. He has plenty of supportive evidence: look, they’re scroungers; look, they are poor but spend loads on cigarettes and alcohol; look, they waste their free education, and so on. His father was a self-made immigrant who created a successful business from nothing. My friend kept the business running, from his father’s solid financial base and after a secure childhood and splendid private education. But he needs to believe that he too is self-made and got to where he is entirely on his own merits. This isn’t unique — American presidents do the same. The edifice of his belief in merit stands on the shaky foundation of a highly personal belief that feels entirely necessary, but isn’t in fact true.

The generality of beliefs makes them dangerous

Such beliefs are generalisations accumulated from memories consisting of images, sounds and feelings. Once installed, plenty of instances are found to shore it up, creating a sense of infallibility. The foundations of the belief remain unseen and unexamined. If challenged, we find plausible (to us) justifications for any anomalies. Other people’s counter-arguments won’t shake our beliefs, as they’re not based on logical arguments. The core sensory base of beliefs lies in hidden unexamined depths and, remaining hidden, remains immune to examples to the contrary, however many thousands are produced.

The generality of beliefs makes them especially dangerous. This plays out to our cost in many ways.

We stick to our theories, our political parties, our political champions, our beliefs about climate change or abortion, our religions however fundamental or whacky, our faith in legal systems, systems of government, ideas of justice, fairness and on and on. And we do it by alighting on every piece of evidence that supports our beliefs and by selective blindness to anything that challenges them. Even worse, in today’s increased divisiveness we move more and more in a world that supplies that evidence – our favourite TV channels and newspapers, the areas we live in, the schools and religious institutions we attend, the jobs we do, the people we mix with, all heavily supported by social media and advertising that gives us more of that world and hides other information from us.

Changing beliefs

The obvious next question, if that is the case, is how to change beliefs that constrict us or harm others. Many people have found Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) useful as a way of challenging unhelpful thinking. But that logical approach doesn’t as a rule address the hidden core of beliefs. One of the reasons I have always liked NLP is because it examines the concealed parts of our belief system, those illogical, hard to understand parts of our psyche.

We can change beliefs, but seldom through information, not always instantly and not always easily. We change them through personal experiences that shift our view.

An experience of change

I believed for many years that my time at university had been a time of struggle with timidity and loneliness. It fit with my personal autobiography and I had a consistent internal dialogue to go with it.

Then, not so long ago, I met a good friend from university after many years’ gap. He reminded me of some of the bold things I did when I was president of the music club and of late nights of fun and laughter we had with friends. As he recounted these stories, I recognised they were true – his stories resonated with me and prompted more of my own. I suddenly remembered doing mad somersaults on a summer lawn. I’d shut down that whole part of my university life under the generalised belief that the three years had been an emotional struggle. It was wonderfully stimulating to remember there was a different side to it too. Not only that, the freeing of those memories allowed other memories of past joys to surface. I felt lighter and energised… and more me, if I can put it like that.

So my hold on a belief was loosened through connection with an old friend. We can also change beliefs through our own efforts. It’s many years since I read Susan Jeffers’ much imitated Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, which encourages us to step little by little out of our comfort zone. But she was right: it’s in new experiences that we expose our existing beliefs to the light and grow as a person. Every time we talk genuinely to someone different from us, every time we experience at first hand a different culture (not just from a tour bus), every time we walk through a different bit of town or read an author who takes us into a different world, every small new experience of different ways of being rattles our belief system entrapped in its cage.

Does it need to be rattled? Does it matter? Does it matter really? Yes, it matters. It’s life and death to the whole planet. How else are we going to get out of the narrow boxes created by the hotchpotch of human beliefs that separate us from each other, and begin to care enough about the rest of the planet to make the changes that will save all of us?

I mean, how? … !

Go well,
Judy

The only source of knowledge is experience. Albert Einstein

AND …

A new book!

I’ve just finished The Art of Communication: How to Be Authentic, Lead Others and Create Strong Connections, and it’s published by Capstone on 22 March 2019 – you can already pre-book it on Amazon. Here’s the blurb:

How do you have a conversation that feels deeply worthwhile and satisfying to both parties? The usual communication strategies of being informed and articulate, impressive in debate and persuasive in manner don’t create great conversations.

The Art of Communication shows you how to enjoy conversations that are more genuine, more energising, more creative and generally much more productive. Neuroscience is confirming that creative and meaningful conversation depends on the often-neglected attention of the right hemisphere of the brain as much as the well-practised patterns and certainties of the left-brain.

You’ll learn how to make a step-change, into a world where intuition, open-heartedness, spontaneity, lightness of touch and ease with uncertainty are as important as rational thinking.

Hope you’re tempted!

My other books

The Art of Conversation
What an important topic! Conversational skill isn’t really about being articulate and having a fund of things to talk about – though that’s what most books on the subject would suggest. It’s more about being at ease with who you are and knowing how to connect with others.

Butterflies and Sweaty Palms
This is a book about performance anxiety – offering 25 different strategies to perform with confidence. But it’s not just about presenting and performing – you’ll find its ideas useful for eliminating anxiety throughout your life.

Voice and Speaking Skills for Dummies
The perfect resource to discover the power of your voice, understand how it works and use it like a professional, whether in meetings, addressing an audience, or standing in front of a classroom.

Voice of Influence
“The body language of sound”. Like body language, your voice gives you away. Find your authentic voice, speak powerfully and influentially, and reach people on a deeper level.

Coaching

It is always worthwhile to go to a coach before you give an important presentation or speech. It’s not a matter of just knowing that you’re going to get it right; it’s discovering the frame of mind that transforms how you come across to others. And such a discovery will stand you in good stead for a lifetime …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Experience, huh …?

Just before my blog …

Don’t miss out! We are at a crucial moment in history for right-brain thinking.split brain

Here at the top – so that you see it! – just one week to go for the early bird rate for my Masterclass, Coaching and the HeART of Conversation on 17 October.

Don’t miss out on this event of the year! It’s going to be amazing… You don’t need to be a coach, but you do need to be interested in how we communicate with each other. Booking and more detail here.

The Masterclass will include material from my new book, REAL COMMUNICATION – Conversation That Matters in a World of Small Talk to be published by Capstone.

You will learn:

How to engage the attention of the right hemisphere of your brain to pick up subtleties of communication

How to catch deeper insights within the unpredictability and spontaneity of a coaching (or any) conversation

How to connect with wholehearted empathy without being sucked into the other person’s troubles

and much more.

 

And now, here’s my blog

Experience, huh?Demo+Sprinter+Image

It was early autumn, hint of chill in the air, a time of restarting, schools back, I was in my late 20’s, and after several years studying singing in Italy, I returned to the UK …

— and no job.

I wanted to be singing, but work in music was not coming. In the end I took a job driving a minibus with a London coach and tour company (I should have called this piece “From Coach to Coach”…). They helped me pass my Public Service Vehicle test as a coach driver, and also supported me in training to become an official Blue Badge London Tour Guide.

I wanted to be singing; I felt frustrated and disappointed. I didn’t want to be a bus driver – or even a tour guide.

However, I wasn’t bored: far from it. Every day was really different. Let me give you a flavour:

  • I drove disabled or excluded children to school, and teams to football matches.
  • I did endless day tours of London, Windsor and Hampton Court, driving and then guiding my visitors around the famous buildings. I did day trips to Stratford-upon-Avon, Oxford and Cambridge, Stonehenge and Canterbury, giving tourists the history of the places. I ran art tours around the British Museum and the National Gallery.
  • I swabbed down my minibus in the early morning with other coach drivers and then went down to the Greasy Spoon for breakfast.
  • I led weeklong holidays to Wales, Yorkshire, Cornwall and other parts of the UK, including a Scottish study-tour with American musicologists featuring harp making and a Presbyterian fire-and-brimstone sermon in Gaelic. At the end of the day, I’d get out my watercolours and find a landscape to paint. I guided a group from the congregation of President George Bush’s church in Midland, Texas on a tour of Ireland.
  • I did Italian language tours everywhere, and once lost (and found) an Italian in Stratford.
  • I drove film entourages to days of filming — John Cleese one day and Cliff Richard another. I ate non-stop for a day from film set catering while a company recorded an advertisement. I went to Phil Collins’ house for a recording day, plus a day of filming, mostly Beetles-like on a pedestrian crossing, with the Kings Singers.
  • I drove foreign diplomats around for the Government’s Central Office of Information to meetings with British companies – and parked my minibus once in the forecourt of Buckingham Palace.
  • I drove architects to look at new towns, businessmen to visit cement works, public servants to look at state-of-the-art rubbish recycling plants.
  • I sat waiting for hours in the minibus and learned my music scores.

At the time, I sometimes felt frustrated that I wasn’t doing what I wanted to be doing. I certainly didn’t see the work as anything useful, and I doubt whether family and friends did either. A friend disparagingly referred to us both as “under-achievers”.

 

Now, however, I look back and see what a wonderful apprenticeship it was for what I do now. As Steve Jobs famously said – it’s impossible to join up the dots forwards; they only make sense looking backwards. I realise now that those four or so years in my twenties gave me much that I appreciate every day today. It’s as if pieces of the jigsaw have come together and now make sense.

Let me count some of the ways:

  • I met a wide cross-section of people of different ages, cultures and interests, which taught me about connection and broadened my awareness of the world.
  • I had loads of experience in public speaking, and became very good at adlibbing to groups – especially in long traffic jams in central London!
  • I discovered what humour hit its mark with a group. I also learned that people are endlessly hilarious.
  • I learned many facts – that well-educated people are not always intelligent and that manual workers often are; that you can lug heavy cases onto the roof of a minibus and still retain your dignity (just); that the world is full of amazing things, including cement factories and an arsenal of ordnance underneath Salisbury Plain; that the King of Jordan is not tall (I stood next to him) and that Iona has the most beautiful empty beach in the world when you catch it on a sunny evening in May.

So, in this season of new starts, maybe you are setting off to start something new or maybe you’re stuck with what you don’t want to do. I’d say, whatever it is, don’t knock it – there’s gold there somewhere. The aforementioned Steve Jobs told Stanford graduates that it was a random course in calligraphy after he had officially dropped out of university that provided the foundation for Apple computers’ gorgeous graphics later. Joining up the dots …

A woman who does valuable work in psychotherapy told me that her brutal early start in life provided the foundation for the good things she does now. You wouldn’t wish Nelson Mandela 27 years in prison; nor young Malala Yousafzai the assassination attempt; nor Oprah Winfrey her early sexual abuse – but nor can you separate who they became or are becoming from what happened in their past. The corollary is that you suddenly realise that a charmed childhood followed by Eton and Oxford with bed-makers and grand-dinner-providers and a political adviser position and a seat in Parliament isn’t in fact charmed at all. Where’s the breadth in that? Of course, (oh, dear) charmed childhood, high school and university describe me too …

Which is why I want to suggest:

– that single focus and narrow experience is seldom a blessing;

– and that experiences of any sort, good, bad and indifferent, can be valuable and
motivating in later life, if you can integrate them sufficiently to use their gold.

How do you do that?

You work to release blame, not fair and poor me, and ask yourself instead, “Yes, okay, rubbish, boring, brutal, unconscionable, I’d rather it hadn’t happened – any of which may be true – but:

How are these experiences part of my becoming the best of me – now?”

Go well,

Judy

PS Did I remind you about the fabulous Masterclass, Coaching and the HeART of Conversation on 17 October – early bird only till this week-end? Oh, I did? Go for it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bottom Line

Bottom Line 1unnamed

When you work in the area of people development, you’re often invited to submit a proposal, and in the past I understood that decision makers wanted to know how the proposed intervention was going to affect the bottom line of the company. So I would tailor my proposal to attempt to provide an answer to this question.

I always felt awkward about it, not only because the causal relationship between people and profit – though significant – is seldom a direct one, but also because I never believed that the bottom line was the bottom line. Money is almost always NOT the bottom line for human beings. Yet, it seems okay for companies – that consist of and are created by and for human beings – to have profit as their bottom line, and for their leaders to make decisions based entirely on return on investment.

Is money really the only consideration for a company? Naïve question, you might think. But I don’t think so. It matters, yes. But is it the only consideration?

There are certainly myriad examples of how money as the bottom line creates distortion. Take sugary drinks: soft drinks companies make millions but create addiction to sugar resulting in widespread obesity (extremely costly, though not for the drinks company, we presume). False safety checks on cars have enabled more cars to be sold – though clearly noxious to health – and a criminal practice that backfired. The gig economy creates wealth but all too frequently through uncertainty and lack of basic guarantees for workers. Heavy-duty plastic wrapping for fruit and vegetables makes for longer shelf life and profitable speed at checkouts, but destroys the planet with plastic waste. Hefty corporations make the lowest bid for work while promising good practice, efficiency and effectiveness, yet fail disturbingly often to provide adequate services in an increasing bid for profit. Changing conditions for care-workers so that they are not paid for journeys between clients and have impossibly reduced time to provide care makes money for the care company but exploits its workers. Business decisions that make sense in terms of profits today maybe at the expense of harming the company tomorrow.

The term “bottom line” has two meanings.

  • One comes from the total at the bottom of a balance sheet and refers to financial considerations such as cost or profit and loss. I’ve been using this meaning so far.
    .
  • The second means the fundamental and most important factor. The bottom line in a negotiation would be the single crucial sine qua non you want from the negotiation – the non-negotiable, if you like.

Bottom Line 2

So, presuming that you don’t make money just for the excitement of the chase or to create a pile of gold to look at,

What do you earn money for? What is the bottom line, in this second sense, for you?

I have heard many answers to this question – such as: satisfaction at work, a roof over our heads, food for my family, wellbeing, leisure, comfort, luxury, increased freedom, more possibilities, love… The answers often involve values.

The corollary of this question is:

What injustices, fabrications or unkindness do you go along with in order to keep your job?

How many times do you shut your eyes or look the other way?

What personal values are trodden on as a result?

Conflicts of values are exhausting and harmful for us. Many illnesses and mental breakdowns are created by such conflicts. Plus, we diminish our thinking powers by numbing ourselves to our own truth.

So …?

Life’s complicated — it’s the economy, stupid; people have to work. But one step might be to open our eyes to what matters to us and what we believe. This will make us consciously aware when someone or something tramples on our values. For example, if honesty is a fundamental for you – a bottom line – you are going to suffer in an environment where economy with the truth is the norm.

In what ways might you respect what matters to you when your values are threatened?

Or even,

What changes do you need to plan in your life to move away from a noxious environment?

I don’t discount small changes. When I moved from a challenging partnership to working on my own, I built a website and promoted my work in a way that felt more authentic and truthful. As time went on, even my proposals to companies reflected my beliefs more. These changes were positive for my sense of me, good for relationships and, well I never, pretty good for business too.

What’s your bottom line? I have this picture of a fishing line going down into the depths of an ocean to the deepest places. What emerges from your deepest places regarding what really matters to you? Is it health… wellbeing… peace… love…? I could say with plenty of validity that business success is enhanced by bringing such values into the workplace, but that would be to express the relationship upside-down. Fulfilment comes from being aware of these aspects of you and holding them as your compass for action and change.

I’ve found a quote to pin on my wall this week …

Your life is like a coin. You can spend it anyway you want, but only once. Make sure you invest it and don’t waste it. Invest it in something that matters to you and matters for eternity.  ― Tony Evens

And to honour both sunshine and my theme, a short poem from 14th century Hafiz:

Even
After
All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,

“You owe me.”

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.

Happy summertime,

Judy

You are warmly invited to my one-day
Masterclass on 17 October 2018:

Coaching and the HeART of Conversation

in Guildford, (courtesy of Guildford Coaches Group) for coaches and others interested in communication and conversation

What does new information emerging from neuroscience tell us about the different attention of the two hemispheres of the brain and its urgent relevance to our communication with each other? And how do we bring the full presence of our humanity into our coaching and conversation so that something new and creative can be born?

A rich day of lively exploration and personal experience with the aim of allowing something new to emerge in each of us

More details – and booking for both Guildford Coaches Group members and others here.  
(or copy the following to your browser: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/coaching-and-the-heart-of-conversation-tickets-47400353734)

Do hope you can join us at this special one-day event.

Data protection (again)

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As usual, my books

The Art of Conversation — Change Your Life with Confident Communication
What an important topic! Conversational skill isn’t really about being articulate and having a fund of things to talk about – though that’s what most books on the subject would suggest. It’s more about being at ease with who you are and knowing how to connect with others. Only then do you have authentic and satisfying conversations.

Butterflies and Sweaty Palms — 25 Sure-fire Ways to Speak and Present with Confidence
This is a book about performance anxiety – offering 25 different strategies to perform with confidence. But it’s not just about presenting and performing – you’ll find its ideas useful for eliminating anxiety throughout your life.

Voice and Speaking Skills for Dummies
The perfect resource to discover the power of your voice, understand how it works and use it like a professional, whether in meetings, addressing an audience, or standing in front of a classroom.

Voice of Influence — How to Get People to Love to Listen to You
“The body language of sound”. Like body language, your voice gives you away. Find your authentic voice, speak powerfully and influentially, and reach people on a deeper level.

Ralph Vaughan Williams

Money and beliefs come up against each other for every artist. I’ve just finished a highly enjoyable novel by Linda Proud on such a conflict for the great artist Fra Philippo Lippi. The composer Ralph Vaughan Williams (from Dorking where I live) wrote at the age of 18 that he was surprised when his teacher Parry declared that a composer must write music as his musical conscience demands. It was quite a new idea for the aspiring young composer.

The Vaughan Williams Singers are celebrating Vaughan Williams 60th anniversary with a concert at his former home, beautiful Leith Hill Place near Dorking, now owned by the National Trust, on Bank Holiday Monday, 27 August. As I’m involved, I thought I’d share the information with you:  https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/leith-hill-place/features/over-hill-over-dale-august-concert 

Enjoy bite-sized learning at home

Sign up for a free E-course to enjoy at home (I never share your email with anyone):

10 Secrets for Overcoming Performance Anxiety
How to Speak with More Authority
Understanding NLP
10 Tips for Having a Great Conversation
How to Raise Your Profile

 

 

Perhaps the Truth Depends on a Walk

Truth depends

My friends have just completed a 400-mile long walk in Portugal and Spain – in 26 days. I quickly do the maths: an average of 15+ miles a day. I’m impressed. My friend says it’s wonderful – “We just get up each day and walk: no deciding what to do, where to go, what the weather’s doing, what to wear, what to take, we just up and go.”

Now, there is a kind of walking that is focused – I’m sure my friends had their minds fixed on their goal as well as enjoying the scenery. But walking is more often an activity where conscious mental activity is absent, and that is its joy. It often represents a gap between activities – the lunchtime stroll through a park, the walk from the train station home, the quick once-up-the-local-hill with the dog.

And in this gap, good things happen.

Someone tells me that when she goes for a walk with an awkward friend, conversation that might be stilted in the house begins to flow with the rhythm of walking in the open air. Back in the day, I’d walk to an activity with my teenage son and he’d turn from taciturn into talker. (The same happened sometimes when he was sitting beside me in the car, both gazing forward).

When I am coaching, my client and I typically sit at 45%, considered professionally to be a non-threatening and equal arrangement – but some clients feel self-conscious when looked at, even at an angle – maybe walking side by side would work better for them? Certainly, there are coaches who specialise in coaching walks – walk and talk and silence, silence, talk and walk.

When I got angry one day and marched out of the house, a two-hour walk completely dissipated my anger – I could scarcely grasp the reason for it by the time I got home again with renewed energy and optimism.

So walking conversations can be in communion with someone else and sometimes they are conversations with yourself – both produce something new.

It’s fine to use a walk as thinking time, but I’m reflecting particularly on walks where there’s nothing to be accomplished, no goals, no decisions. You give your foveal vision a rest – delights spring up at the periphery – a half-hidden flower, a butterfly, a pleasing pattern on a tree trunk … Walks in the town are okay too, but a walk in the countryside puts human presence more on the edge of things. Nature impresses with its permanence yet is always different. Today sunlight is creating dappled sun and shade under the trees; a few months ago, tree trunks stood out against the hill in dark silhouette. The day you venture out in wind and rain against your saner judgement, you come back wet and wind-battered with adrenaline coursing through your veins and you think, “Wow! I’m glad I did that,” thrilled that you have a wild side after all.

The physical act of walking affects your mind, of course it does. When the writer Margaret Forster was recovering from cancer, she noticed particularly the connection between walking and writing. “It was remarkable”, she writes, “to find that walking must be somehow related to writing, that it somehow fuelled it. I’d always enjoyed walks, and seen them as an essential part of each day, but I hadn’t appreciated this strange connection. The walking loosened the writing.” (I recommend Forster’s My Life in Houses).

In last year’s Wimbledon tennis, I remember a match in which Andy Murray was visibly suffering from a hip injury. This of course affected his speed and flexibility of movement. But it clearly affected his thinking and judgement too, much more than you could attribute just to his physical state. Lack of physical balance and wellbeing affect mental and emotional wellbeing too. When I had a bad back I discovered the truth of this for myself; when I couldn’t walk I couldn’t think well either.

Sometimes these days I’m surprised to spot a piece of new research that proves a connection between mind and body – as if it were something new. Who could ever think that mind and body were not connected? Often physicality unlocks something that was stuck, where any amount of thinking and feeling has failed.

So here’s something you might like to try:

Think of something that you want to be able to do or something you’re struggling with, and consider separately the thinking, feeling and physiology of it. Then change your physiology.

For example, feeling daunted? Stand up tall and strong but relaxed, and breathe fully for a few moments; notice how that introduces something new into your feeling and thinking.

Is your brain bursting with too much to think about and decide? Feeling overwhelmed? Go walking in nature for at least an hour, preferably two, putting one foot steadily in front of the other, and pay attention to your surroundings. Notice how different you feel on your return.

And here’s a speaking tip:

If you lose courage for a moment on the platform or make a mistake, move a few steps away from where you were standing and take a deep breath. You’ll find that your brain resets and your poise returns – even perhaps your sense of humour.

Feeling under the weather, walk; in any weather walk; if you are able – walk. But don’t set conditions on it. In life’s paradoxical way, walking is most restorative when you don’t demand that it restores you or cures you, or fulfils an aim. Don’t ask anything of it.

The early 20th Century American writer Alfred Kazin sums up the power of walking most beautifully in Open Street:

“Walking I am unbound, and find that precious unity of life and imagination, that silent outgoing self, which is so easy to lose, but which at high moments seems to start up again from the deepest rhythms of my own body.  How often have I had this longing for an infinite walk – of going unimpeded, until the movement of my body as I walk fell into the flight of streets under my feet – until I in my body and the world in its skin of earth were blended into a single act of knowing.”

It’s a grand time of year for walking :-)

Go well,

Judy

You are warmly invited to my
One-day Masterclass on 17 October 2018

Coaching and the HeART of Conversation

in Guildford, (courtesy of Guildford Coaches Group)
for coaches and others interested in communication and conversation

What does new information emerging from neuroscience tell us about the different attention of the two hemispheres of the brain and its urgent relevance to our communication with each other? And how do we bring the full presence of our humanity with all its frailties into our coaching and conversation so that something new and miraculous can be born?

A rich day of lively exploration and personal experience with the aim of allowing something new to emerge in each of us

More details here.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ec2Iukkr8ivkkzKYXJNwEK49wFBPLEEbuEUVG4FUqO0/edit?usp=sharing

To book, complete the registration form here.

 https://judyapps.us6.list-manage.com/track/click?u=187dc8c293&id=8e1d2aa726&e=6f63167e9e

Or simply email me to register your interest or to ask me more about it.

 mailto:Judyapps@voiceofinfluence.co.uk ((Guildford coaches email me to join list)

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Enjoy bite-size learning at home

Sign up for a free E-course to enjoy at home (I never share your email with anyone):

10 Secrets for Overcoming Performance Anxiety
How to Speak with More Authority
Understanding NLP
10 Tips for Having a Great Conversation

How to Raise Your Profile

Communication Skills in More Detail

(in my books!)

The Art of Conversation
What an important topic! Conversational skill isn’t really about being articulate and having a fund of things to talk about – though that’s what most books on the subject would suggest. It’s more about being at ease with who you are and knowing how to connect with others. Only then do you have authentic and satisfying conversations.

Butterflies and Sweaty Palms
This is a book about performance anxiety – offering 25 different strategies to perform with confidence. But it’s not just about presenting and performing – you’ll find its ideas useful for eliminating anxiety throughout your life.

Voice and Speaking Skills for Dummies
The perfect resource to discover the power of your voice, understand how it works and use it like a professional, whether in meetings, addressing an audience, or standing in front of a classroom.

Voice of Influence
“The body language of sound”. Like body language, your voice gives you away. Find your authentic voice, speak powerfully and influentially, and reach people on a deeper level.

 

A Walking Coach

My colleague Karen Liebenguth – compassionate coach & mindfulness trainer of Green Space Coaching – has many years’ experience of coaching in the open air. See http://greenspacecoaching.com for details of what she offers.

 

My Life and Executive Coaching and Voice Coaching

Whether you already feel successful or are struggling with challenges, coaching can help you make the most of your potential. Email me or call on 01306 886114 if you want an initial conversation about what coaching might do for you. Coaching can take place face-to-face or via Skype or phone.

 

And for voice coaching – it’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. Do you realise what an amazing potential resource you have in your voice? How you come across depends on your voice and how you use your body AND your breath. Self consciousness is the grand saboteur. You’ll experience positive results after even a single coaching session. Email me or call me on 01306 886114.

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Bent

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Bent,Mary Bent
She kicked up her heels, and away she went.

What do people say about you?

What will they say when you’re no longer around?

Did you ever have secret names for people when you were a child? My siblings and I used to call one neighbour “Mrs Dominoes and Solitaire”, because she once babysat for us and in an attempt to reassure my mother of her ability to look after us she asserted in a cut-glass voice, “Oh, everything will be just fine: I have dominoes and solitaire!” The name summed up beautifully for us her complete lack of understanding of us children together with her not entirely successful air of upper class respectability.

People reveal themselves by what they say. I used to perform around the country with a musician from Stoke on Trent, and whenever we visited a new town, he would ask, “What do people do here?” To someone like me who came from Surrey the question was a mystery. Surely a town had doctors, postmen, lawyers, nurses, teachers and the rest – just like any other town? I had a sort of Mr Bun the Baker “Happy Families” idea of what comprised a town; I never thought about where the money came from to support all those jobs. My friend wanted to know how the economy worked, what industries supported people: coming from the Potteries, he knew about industries in decline and wanted to know how people got by.

My father was very handy around the house, from painting gutters and repairing the car to fixing electric wiring and mending watches. When talking about any of these projects afterwards he always said, “It was harder than I thought.” When I grew older, I used to think that surely he should have the measure of difficulty for any job by then. But now when I think of him, I wonder if it was a gentle request to be praised for his effort and skill, even though he would have shrugged off any plaudits. Or was it his summing up of life in general?

I think in my own history, one overused word was “just”, as in “I’ll just pop this letter in the post and then I’ll be with you.” “I’ll just finish this report – I won’t be a moment.” In other words, I was always in a rush, cramming in things in, and fearful of letting people down. Or was it that I wanted to be seen to be busy? I see my epitaph now, “Time just ran out.”

The title of the story of your life

We are defined by what we say most often. Those words could be seen as the title of our life’s story.

Someone I know used to say, “Life’s out to get you” – a fantastic formula for meeting trouble if ever there was one. Imagine that line running through your head as you embarked on any project or went to meet anyone. And the final epitaph: “Life got’im in the end!”

Another I’ve heard often is “Can’t complain”, which I read as, “Just look at my wordless suffering and the word ‘victim’ emblazoned on my forehead!”

The favourite word of a public services department in which I once worked was “they”, as in, “They’ve changed my hours!” “They’ve cut overtime!” “Look what they’ve done now!”– “they” representing all the reasons for people to feel resentful. Have you come across working cultures like that too?

Attention

The words we say most frequently show what we give attention to. If we give attention to everything that’s going wrong, we’re feeding those negative parts of our life and encouraging them to multiply. Try encouraging the opposite with questions like, “What was good yesterday?” “What’s working for me at the moment?” and “What do I want to happen?”

You may be familiar with three important areas of attention, time, money and energy. They all pose questions:

Time

You may feel that you don’t have much autonomy about your use of time, but how you spend your time determines who you become. If you don’t spend any time on what actually matters to you, you’re going to find life dissatisfying.

What would you have to do or indeed not do to free up more time for what you really care about?

Money

It’s easy to see inconsistencies in other people when they declare that they haven’t money for a certain thing and you notice that they spent freely on something else. How you accumulate and spend money announces loud and clear your priorities in life.

What is your attitude to money, and what does it say about who you are?

Energy

How you expend your energy determines what you attract in life, be it abundance, joy, worry, need, excitement or peace.

What drains your mental or physical energy and what would you like to give more energy to?

What’s your life’s story called?

We spend our attention on certain things and so we create a whole life. What would you like people to say about you after you die? Here are some epitaphs:

  • Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty that I’m free at last
    Martin Luther King’s epitaph sums up his life’s quest for freedom.
  • I told you I was ill” (in Irish)
    Spike Milligan’s gives us a final taste of his alternative humour.
  • I had a lover’s quarrel with the world
    Robert Frost gives us a poet’s insight into the paradox of living.

I once played a game with friends making up epitaphs for ourselves and each other – it made us all laugh a lot – and proved revealing at the same time. Have you tried it? What is the story of your life called? What would you like it to be called? Ah, yes, what would you like it to be called?

Go well. Enjoy the promised spring sunshine!

Judy

OTHER MATTERS

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Books

I’m writing a new book and it’s very slow! Meanwhile, do dip into my other books. If you’ve enjoyed any of my books, would you write a review on Amazon?– short as you like.

Voice of Influence

– How to Get People to Love to Listen to You …a fascinating mind-body approach to finding your authentic voice and expressing yourself with integrity, presence and passion. (Judith Lowe NLP Trainer) Should be on the reading list of anyone who wants to learn how to communicate more effectively and how to be more authentic and charismatic in putting across their messages.(Celia Morris, T & D Mgr Railways, MottMacDonald)

Butterflies and Sweaty Palms

– 25 Sure-Fire Ways to Speak and Present with Confidence … I love the elegance, accessibility and clarity of this book and shall certainly be recommending it to clients and colleagues alike. (Kate Burton, coach and author of For Dummies guides to NLP, Coaching and Confidence) If you’ve ever faced the fear of public speaking, this brilliant book is essential reading! Judy Apps provides super strategies for becoming a confident communicator. Her easy-to-learn and thorough approach tackles every aspect of speaking with great examples, stories and exercises. (Arielle Essex, author of Compassionate Coaching)

Voice and Speaking Skills For Dummies

Not another presentation or public speaking primer, this book schools you in timeless principles that work equally well when addressing packed stadiums, in intimate gatherings and even during one–to–one conversations.

The Art of Conversation

– Change Your Life with Confident Communication … What is it that some people have naturally which enables them to converse comfortably and easily, to engage people and build better relationships? The Art of Conversation will show you step by step how to converse skilfully and enjoyably with other people, at home, at work, on the phone and in the street- even if you’re daunted now, discover the difference good conversation can make in every aspect of your life.

Download some of my E-courses

(I never share your email with anyone):

10 Secrets for Overcoming Performance Anxiety
How to Speak with More Authority
Understanding NLP
10 Tips for Having a Great Conversation
How to Raise Your Profile

Coaching

Feeling stuck? Need a nudge? Decision time? A few simple conversations with a coach can be life changing and worth the investment many times over. Email me or call me on 01306 886114 if you want an initial conversation about what coaching might do for you.

The Miracle of Voice

It’s not just what we say, it’s how we say it. Do you realise what an amazing potential resource you have in your voice? If you don’t like your voice, you can change it; you’ll experience positive results after even a single coaching session. Email me or call me on 01306 886114.

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