Paying Attention

The cultural ecologist David Abram tells of meeting a man in the Pacific Northwest who could recognise the sounds of different trees. If you drove him, blindfolded, to any patch of coastal forest and sat him beneath any tree on a windy day – after a few moments he would tell you, by listening, whether the tree above him was a Douglas fir, a Sitka spruce or a western red cedar, or some different species. What attention …

The remarkable deaf professional percussionist Evelyn Glennie developed the ability to distinguish the smallest pitch difference in the sound of a drum through the vibration she felt coming up through the drumsticks into her hands and arms. Imagine that degree of sensitivity…

You’ll have your own examples of people using their senses exceptionally. To my mind they have something in common – they all share the ability to pay close attention without premature judgement – that is, they remain open to the experience for long enough to let insight steal up on them.

I’ve had a feast of the senses this month having seen the Matisse Cut Outs Exhibition at the Tate Modern twice. (If you haven’t seen it, go – it’s great!) Matisse started to work with paper shapes at the age of eighty when suffering from cancer and without the strength to use a paint brush. These late works are startling, original, energetic, and full of joy.

Matisse too remained open to his senses, and he had quite a bit to say on the subject of paying attention. Don’t think you know what a rose is, he says, just because you have seen roses before:

There is nothing more difficult for a truly creative painter than to paint a rose, because before he can do so he has first to forget all the roses that were ever painted.

Look afresh and anew, he says.

I would like to recapture that freshness of vision which is characteristic of extreme youth when all the world is new to it.

And, he says, don’t imagine that being attentive is easy:

To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage.

“To look at something …” to really look … At one period of my life, I often accompanied tourists who were on the London leg of a European tour around the British Museum and National Gallery. I noticed how some tourists looked down at their guidebooks, and would tick off a famous painting by reading its label and then move on without more than a quick glance at the actual picture: “Van Gogh’s Sunflowers – tick, Rembrandt self portrait – tick, Constable’s Hay Wain – tick. That’s London ticked off; Paris tomorrow!”

I had a certain pleasure in my tour-guiding period in ridiculing the tourists’ behaviour, but I’ve realised since that most of us do something similar all the time, measuring what we experience with our senses against an internal tick-list of stored information, values and beliefs. For example, if you hold a belief that city kids mean trouble, you only have to witness a teenager laughing loudly on a train to tick that mental belief box, “Trouble!” If you believe your partner is irresponsible, you only have to see an unopened letter from the bank addressed to them to instantly suspect the worst and tick your belief box with the thought, “Irresponsible!”

There’s a world of difference between clocking something in this way and absorbing something through the senses. I can recognise the sound of a bird and clock “thrush” – that’s an act of recognition. If I hear the bird’s song and am truly open to it with all my senses involved – ah, that’s something else entirely, and allows something new to enter my consciousness.

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds. R. D. Laing

Paying real attention as we listen to someone requires us to absorb everything, take no short cuts, and refrain from certainty – even though our thinking brain is always looking for closure. This is partly for ourselves, so that we don’t jump to judgement, and it’s partly for the other person, as the quality and ease of our open listening helps them to think and communicate better.

It takes the whole of us to do that, not with any sense of effort, but in a gently absorbing way. Listening in this context consists of:

  • Hearing the nuances of voice tone beyond the actual sense of the words
  • Absorbing the nuances of facial expression, body language and breathing
  • Feeling the other person’s being empathetically – being touched by the other person
  • Allowing – letting things be as they are without seeking to interpret or change them.

I’ll tell you where I find this hardest – with people I know really well. Do you too? And that’s the very place, I realise, where seeing with fresh eyes is particularly productive. It’s one thing to notice something new in a child as he grows and develops. But adults don’t remain the same either – every single cell in our bodies is replaced every 7 years. A friend has just sent me a photo of me 40 years ago – I can follow the thread from that time to this, but I’m not the same person, and wouldn’t want to be treated as such.

So adults deserve our fresh attention too. I do think Matisse is right: to look at something as though we have never seen it before does indeed require courage. But the very act of doing so with people, allows the other person to change shape in our presence, to become more of who they can be. That’s the miracle of it.

The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.  Henry Miller

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Voice of Influence Workshop

– Coming up on 14-15 July in London, and again in October. You can book directly online here, or email me for invoiced company bookings or special cases.

This two-day course will give you the skills and confidence to speak with ease and connect with your audience – even if you are seriously daunted now. And it’s an enjoyable experience too – people often comment with surprise on the fun they have in the workshop. Two days from your life – think how many scenarios will be different in future when you feel at ease …

To those who sign up this month for the workshop I’m offering a free copy of my new book:-

The Art of Conversation

– It’s just out. It’s to be promoted from 15 May to 4 June at Smiths in airports and train stations – let me know if you spot it – I’d like a photo! The book takes you from first principles of starting a conversation cold to the subtle art of creating deep connection – it’s been recommended for people on the autistic spectrum as much as for those who want to connect with others on an intimate – even spiritual – level. Writing the book has been fascinating –  we engage with each other all the time, and these connections matter to us – but how we do that is under-examined.

If you enjoy the book, I (and especially my publishers!) would greatly appreciate a short recommendation on Amazon. The same goes for my other books if you’d like to recommend them – just a sentence or two to guide other potential readers would be great.

Find all my books here.

I’m spending a day this week with Nancy Klein – author of Time to Think and More Time to Think – she is a great advocate of paying attention to what people say. Wonderful writer, great books.

Speaking tips and inspiration

Useful daily speaking tips and inspiration on my Facebook page here.

Tweets too here.

For more help with voice and speaking download my E-courses on Overcoming Performance Anxiety, Speaking with More Authority and Raising Your Profile.

Coaching

One-to-one coaching offers you the opportunity to make significant changes in important parts of your life. It’s a practical and effective way to grow into the kind of person and the sort of roles you can maybe only imagine now. The one-to-one approach enables you to develop exactly the areas that will be most meaningful and impactful to you. It’s open to anyone – you don’t have to be already sorted to seek help from a coach!

I run my coaching business here in Dorking. I can also visit your business. Contact me for more information.

That’s it! Have a good month.

Go well.

 

 

Laugh! This is serious!

In summer-time – even a rainy summer – family business sometimes takes place outside;  I’ve just  heard a frustrated parent across the back gardens shout: “Don’t laugh! This is serious!”

I’ve got into the habit, caught from Byron Katie and Nancy Klein (read their books if you haven’t already – they’re great!), of turning statements upside-down. So I experimented with this one, “Laugh! This is serious!”

 

Of course, LIFE, as understood in work, economics, politics, culture and religion, is serious. We live ever closer to the brink of disaster. The daily news brings doom and gloom. It was only recently that I noticed how much kinaesthetic language is employed in newspapers. That’s the language of touch, feeling, movement and weight (e.g. doom and gloom) – as opposed to visual language (vision, perspective, imagination etc.) and auditory language (sound, tell, tune etc.). Kinaesthetic words in news coverage outnumber visual and auditory by at least 4 to 1. Kinaesthetic battle language is especially popular.

From the latest news, I took just the kinaesthetic words from a short article about House of Lords reform in the Guardian (the red tops have perhaps even more K language):

“Angry confrontation … revolt … challenge … effective operation … rebellion … Prime Minister confronted … defy a three line whip … disgraceful … leading rebel … displeasure … anger … sought out … confronted … even more aggressive … damaged … resigned … sacked … thrown off course … whipping operation … withdrawal … join forces with the rebels to reject … failed to block … classic whipping operation … ran it with great discipline … risking … try to win … revive … get defeated again … object … damage … visceral issue … not budge … insisted … persuaded … win over … persuade … pressurized atmosphere … tempers may cool … raised the temperature … reject … remove … driving force … challenged  directly.”

Wow, does it make you feel tired? It does me!

Then I thought of popular phrases from politics, sport, health and religion:

Battle for hearts and minds; crush the opposition; fight the good fight; we will overcome; attack and defend the goal; love is war; crushing defeat; battle with cancer; fight for peace (I like that one!); battle of the sexes; battle of wills, a fighting chance.

I wonder what effect reading such kinaesthetic battle language day after day has on our perception of the world? You might think it encourages us to feel something, but it’s feeling that hangs heavily.

What if we found a different language, just in the spirit of turning things upside-down? For example, we could describe the political story in terms of sound for a change. The people involved would be discordant, and might shout, grumble or speak in a harsh tone … but they would express, pronounce, tell it as it is, and then they might tune-in, listen, hear, chime in, strike a chord, resonate and there would be dialogue, leading to a flow of discourse and eventual harmony, singing off the same hymn sheet

OK – games!  And I’m cheating a bit: I could have used more warlike sound language such as Bam! Kerpow! Splat! Bang! Bedoyng! Crash! Clap! Boom!  (this is easy, I’m writing in the middle of a thunder storm!)  But it’s still not the same, is it?

Maybe lightness itself is the missing piece?

Laugh! This is serious!

In coaching, laughter and tears are close bedfellows. Humour and laughter are often the elements that light the way into human darkness and allow you to see more clearly.  In a mire of heavy feeling, seeing clearly is just what’s wanted.

In these heavy-feeling times, the greatest leaders embrace the light touch – they avoid rigidity and dogma, move flexibly,  let go when necessary, and see things as they are,   People make a better decisions when they lighten up.

Remember Chesterton’s familiar quote, Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly .

Note especially the penultimate word. If you and I tread lightly today, what will be different?  How will we fly?

Voice & Speaking Skills For Dummies

Heading in large print, because my book is out! It’s full of good stuff, do dip into it. You can see the full contents and look inside on Amazon here.

Floating ahead to autumn …

… which will be here before we know it. It’s time to book for autumn events. The people who come to them make our workshops, and this year they achieved some amazing things, made individual break throughs, took important decisions, grew in confidence, capability and self-belief. You can read their own words on the website.

If you are tempted to dip your toe in the water, here’s a reminder of Autumn workshops and other events booking now.

Booking

To book any of the workshops below, go to www.voiceofinfluence.co.uk.  Or contact me at judy@voiceofinfluence.co.uk.  I offer special rates for deserving self funding people, those who work for charities and others.

Voice of Influence: 18-19 October 2012

Find your authentic powerful voice, overcome performance anxiety, and speak with confidence and ease – however daunted you are at present. This workshop meets you where you are, and allows you to discover your individual way to be a powerful speaker.

NLP Diploma

– the best of NLP in a convenient, affordable format – individual workshops can be taken separately:

Communication & Relationships: 25-26 October 2012

The ability to connect naturally with people – to have better relationships with others and with yourself – is a key attribute shared by all successful leaders.  After this workshop you’ll know yourself better, understand more clearly what makes others tick, and be considerably more confident in all situations that rely on good communication.

Leadership & Influence: 15-16 November 2012

A large part of your influence is connected to your sense of presence and whether others see the leader in you. This course will contribute significantly to your inner and outer confidence. You’ll feel more comfortable in your skin and be more present in the moment and able to manage your state as a leader in every sphere of your life.

Coaching & Change: 6-7 December 2012

The power of a simple conversation! Discover how to go for the best, and how to get the best out of others with subtle yet powerful coaching skills. Becoming a skilled coach of others is an important part of your own personal development, and you will find your effectiveness and creativity blossom as you help people step into their true potential.

NLP Practitioner: Spring 2013

3 days plus  1-2-1 – follows on from the Diploma. Put it all together and go for the NLP Practitioner qualification, which opens the way to the Master Practitioner and beyond.

NLP Conference now booking

This popular annual event in London, 9-11 November, is a great way to listen to some of the most interesting NLP teachers and thinkers from all over the world. Go to www.nlpconference.com for further details.

Spirit of Coaching

The 11th Spirit of Coaching event, ‘Going for Gold’, took place last week in London – what inspiring meetings these are! The Spirit of Coaching Conference is on 22 September in London. Further details very shortly.

 

So summer, and rain  in the UK  (laugh, this is serious!) –  I hope you experience lightness and fun during your summer – and moments of clarity too!

Go well!

Judy

Ginger and the Matrix

The ginger example Ginger

Odd encounters … visiting a relative recently, I discovered a foot high pile of large fresh ginger roots sitting on the kitchen counter.

‘Why such an enormous quantity of ginger?’ I asked.

‘Mmm, yes, er, internet mistake …’ came the slightly embarrassed reply.

I didn’t even know you could order ginger on the internet. My curiosity was rewarded with a gift, and I went home with a lovely plump root, keen to try it in some Thai cooking. What resulted was the best Thai dish I have ever tasted. I mean the best. I always use root ginger, but I had no idea that good quality fresh ginger could make such a difference. I mean, I don’t want to overstress the point, but I would have continued for the next thirty years to adjust the flavours of my oriental cooking seeking for better flavour without once realising that just because something is called ginger doesn’t mean that it’s the same as that something I used to call ginger.

… or that we always know what we are talking about when we use a word to talk about it. I’m referring to our tendency to stay inside the Matrix or system and a restricted way of thinking about things. As if that were all there were.

The news example

Take the Matrix called ‘the news’ for example: the journalist in the matrix knows that in their version of ‘the news’ the economy has a label called ‘problem’.

Being a problem, someone must be to blame, so he asks an economist whose fault it is.

That – even with its strong slant – being much too large a question for an 8 second sound bite, the economist replies that bonuses are too high.

Within a few days, there’s what Chris Mullin used to call a ‘feeding frenzy’ over bonuses, ‘symbolic’ stripping of knighthoods and the whole shebang -and we’re nowhere nearer to improving the economic situation.

We’re inside the Matrix – where ‘the news’ means problem and ‘problem’ means there must be a culprit, and ‘culprit’ for some reason is the main interest of the exercise.

The 17 camels example

Take the camels story as another example, do you know it? A man leaves 17 camels to his 3 sons. He leaves half his camels to his first-born, a third of his camels to his second son and one ninth of his camels to his third son. The sons are nonplussed, for the number seventeen doesn’t divide by 2, 3 or 9, and they can’t bring themselves to divide a live camel in pieces. They are stuck inside the dilemma.

But they step outside the dilemma and consult a wise old woman.

‘I can’t solve this for you’, she says, ‘But I could lend you one of my camels if you like.’

With 18 camels, the first son takes half – 9 camels, the second takes a third – 6 camels, and the third takes a ninth – 2 camels. That adds up to 17. There is one camel left over. So they give the old woman her camel back and everyone is happy.

Inside the Matrix of a particular way of thinking, it’s impossible. Step outside, or add something else to the mix, and it does become possible. It used to be called lateral thinking.

The problem person example

And finally a people example. I once had a real problem with a colleague. He was just difficult. I thought of many different ways to tackle the problem and improve my relationship with this person but nothing worked. I didn’t really expect it to because I was in a box which contained me and a ‘difficult person’.

That summer I went to America for a whole month, and broadened and changed my outlook in many ways. I had a wonderful time, and didn’t think once about my difficult colleague.

But on my return, he had changed without my doing anything. I wasn’t the person in that Matrix any more, and therefore he wasn’t the person of that Matrix any more.

In the NLP Diploma

One of the many things we examine in the NLP Diploma is systems theory -aka ‘escaping the Matrix’ – which enables you to debunk some current thinking around cause and effect and problem solving, for example:

  • Other people can make you feel bad – not true.
  • Trying harder is the key way to overcome lack of success – very often not.
  • Your problems are what they are irrespective of you – incorrect, you are affecting your problem by your relationship to it.
  • If you tackle a cause C, you can achieve an effect E. True, but you won’t do that without also causing possible negative side effects X, Y and Z, so it would be a good idea to discover what these might be before going ahead.

I sometimes ask myself when I encounter a problem, ‘If I were outside this matrix, what might it look like?’ You might like to try it if you get frustrated at some point later this week!

NLP Diploma

The NLP Diploma starts on 1 March with the first module, Communication & Relationships. The other modules are on 29-30 March (Leadership & Influence), and 17-18 April (Coaching & Change). You will pick up a load of useful leadership, management and relationship skills, plus invaluable personal gains including increased self knowledge and purpose, and a sense of ease and confidence in your everyday life. These are great tools for succeeding in whatever you dream of achieving in life.

Anyone who has done a good NLP course raves about it, and with good reason. It feels like common sense – but that commodity is not quite so common as we might think!

Voice of Influence Workshop

This is my well-known course for confidence, speaking and presentation skills. You could just get onto the 9-10 February workshop if you apply today. The following one is on 17-18 May.

Butterflies and Sweaty Palms:

25 Sure-Fire Ways to Speak and Present with Confidence

I’ve just sent off the final edits and checked the final illustrations. I believe it’s going to be an invaluable little book which you’ll want to keep by you every time you have to speak or present. Order yours today here on Amazon. It will be available on Kindle too – as is my first book, Voice of Influence.

Coaching Groups

Someone asked me about coaching groups. Three that I always find excellent when I attend are:

London Coaching Group www.londoncoachinggroup.co.uk
Next event 28 Feb.

Guildford Coaches Group http://guildfordcoaches.org
Next event 23 March.

Soul of Coaching Group www.alternatives.org.uk/Site/CoachingCircle
Next event 22 Feb.

Go well!

Festivals and Flying-Foxes

Sydney FestivalA few days ago I was reclining on the grass enjoying a picnic (along with 200,000 others) as enormous flying fox bats wheeled overhead and the sun went down on a summer day in Sydney. It was the first day of the Sydney Festival. As tickets sell out so fast for the festival, the city now puts on a special first day for free, so that the whole city – families, young and old – can enjoy international singers and bands at half a dozen open-air venues, with free bottles of water and buses running late to take people home.

Now I’m home to January frosts, and experiencing those moments every traveller recognises on return home, when things seem less obvious than before. Do I still drink tea in the morning? Do I still prefer the Guardian or was it the Telegraph? The daily gloom and doom seems less necessary. The countless routines of life no longer take place quite as unthinkingly as before.

Then gradually, daily life enfolds you again, and that foggy moment passes. You’re back with the familiar frames and filters … back in the matrix … But you’ve glimpsed something else – that brief moment when things are no longer obvious is the great gift of time away.

On my travels I’ve been reading ‘The Master and the Emissary’ by Iain Gilchrist (a fascinating book if you can cope with print the size of washing instructions on a shirt label). It explores the latest neuro-research into the left and right hemispheres of the brain. In a more complex way than previously thought, the left brain likes precision and categorisation with language to express it. The right brain holds the subtler bigger picture which is less easily pinned down by rules and language, and this hemisphere plays a far more major role than previously thought.

It’s the right hemisphere that enjoys moments when nothing is obvious; for these are moments out of which different kinds of insight can emerge. Think of historic instances of creative genius – the idea that just popped in as the bath overflowed or the apple fell on your head or you dreamed of riding sunbeams …

We can step out of our frame in various ways; one is to fly to the moon in your mind and look at your life from a distance; feeling your relative size when you are in mountains works in a similar way. Another (and a good antidote this to left brain New Year Resolutions that have you slogging to maintain some new routine …) is to do anything different from the norm just for the sake of it – take a different route home, eat a different food, read a different sort of book or paper, vary the order of your daily tasks … Every time we do things differently it gives us new insights – and brings pleasure at the same time.

I wonder what you might do differently – just for fun, just for the wonder of the thing? Gerald Manley Hopkins in the Windhover … (incidentally, did you know that the right hemisphere, though not till now associated with language, lights up for poetry?) … suggests that wonder is found in the plainest things, provided we lose our sense of knowing the obvious. The whole poem expresses it, but here are the last lines:

No wonder of it: shéer plód makes plough down sillion
Shine, and blue-bleak embers, ah my dear,
Fall, gall themselves, and gash gold-vermillion.

NLP Diploma

You’ll explore filters, frames and different perspectives in this course – and much more besides. This training is such a life changer – I’m constantly delighted with what people go on to achieve in living the lives they want (and only dreamed of before). First module, Communication and Relationships,  is on 1-2 March, 2nd module, Leadership and Influence, is on 29-30 March, and the final module, Coaching and Change, is on 26-27 April.

Voice of Influence Workshop

This popular course on speaking, presenting, and self confidence gives you the opportunity to learn and practise in a small group. Don’t remain unsure of yourself; becoming confident doesn’t mean changing who you are, it just requires you to learn new skills and approaches. It’s also absorbing and fun – as previous participants will tell you; all that is required is for you to register and turn up! Next workshop 9-10 February. The one after: 17-18 May.

All details on the website, www.voiceofinfluence.co.uk – also ask me about special offers if you do not have company funding.

New Books

I have two new books coming out this year. The first is Butterflies and Sweaty Palms: 25 Sure-Fire Ways to Speak and Present with Confidence published by Crown House. Out in February – available to pre-order on Amazon.

The second is due out in April – more information very soon!

And if you want the low-down on voice, you can find my book, Voice of Influence on Amazon too. It’s also out in Kindle. Or I can send you a signed copy.

Hope to meet you this year – at one of my courses, or at some other event. Come and say hello!

Warm good wishes,

Judy

Rosie the hen went for a walk…

Rosie the hen

across the yard,

around the pond

over the haycock,

past the mill,

through the fence,

under the beehives,

and got back in time for dinner.

–    –    –

Do you know the picture story “Rosie’s Walk” by Pam Hutchins? The delight of it is that the pictures tell a different story from the words. Rosie the hen takes a happy little walk, but in the pictures we the readers spot the wicked fox tailing Rosie. He pounces on her and misses, landing on a rake and knocking himself out. He tries again by the pond and falls in. He tries repeatedly to catch her – each attempt a disaster – until finally he lands in a cart which runs out of control into a beehive, setting off an angry swarm of bees.

Meanwhile Rosie, serenely unaware of these catastrophic events, trots contentedly back into the hen house after her walk. …

I know people that trail disaster in their wake blithely unaware just like that, don’t you?!

But how many times does any of us flap our butterfly wings and cause a hurricane elsewhere? Hard to tell! – we all wear filters. Becoming aware of these filters – and expanding our awareness – is one of the most useful insights I’ve gained from NLP.

Bird’s eye view

“Rosie’s Walk” already offers one excellent method to expand awareness – get a bird’s eye view. When you have an issue, rise above it in your mind – way up as high as the moon if you want – and witness yourself and the elements of the problem from there. Seeing the picture as a whole like that often gives you new insights. Crucially, it enables you to view the whole system – and that allows you to recognise more complex relationships between the elements and see beyond the obvious sequence of A causes B, or A means B.

In my own life, when I suffered terrible performance anxiety and failed an audition in a grand Italian opera house it seemed an utter disaster at the time. I gave the event a meaning, “Failure.” (capital F!)

But the bird’s eye view of a couple of decades later – seeing the event in context – makes me realise the wealth of learning I’ve picked up from that experience – about performance anxiety, resilience, humour, compassion, understanding of human nature and more. I use the rich learning from that “failure” positively every week. “Failure” has in fact become “Resource”.

If you stick to one view like “Rosie” or a single label like “Failure” you often miss the bigger picture. Some people do that with their whole life by giving it a label such as “Life of a Victim” or Life of a Loser;” and rather than gradually growing a fresh wider perspective, life events are instead forced to fit the constricting old label.

So how can you adopt the bird’s eye view?

For some it comes naturally – they take different views of a situation as a matter of course. They are the people to model!

For me, it’s about deliberately making space every now and then and stepping out of the fully absorbing colourful business of living.

A friend of mine just says a loud internal “STOP!” ever so often, and this makes him pause to look at the system that is his life. He says his life is like a tangled ball of string, “But tangled or not, on those occasions I look at it as a whole and see that it is a perfectly shaped ball!”

Useful insight!

Play

If you took a large sheet of paper and ‘put’ your life on it – filling the page freely with pictures or words to illustrate all the different parts of your existence  – and then, having put it away for a day, looked at the whole paper afresh – bird’s eye view – I wonder what connections would occur to you …

… quite a few I would I imagine …

Perhaps you’d like to let me know!

Hottest day of the year since 2006 this week – wonderful summer,

Go well!

Judy

Perspectives

Perspective colour pictureOur daughter is travelling in New Zealand and but for a sudden change of mind would have been in Christchurch yesterday when the powerful earthquake erupted. On hearing of the quake we experienced a short period of sharp worry, then a happy release when we heard she was okay. Life looked very different for that short period of not knowing.

“That certainly puts things in perspective!” we sighed with relief as we marvelled at her fortunate change of plan. And it did; our perspective changed utterly during those moments of uncertainty – what really mattered stood out with new prominence – it was like redrawing our map of the world.

Once we have genuinely different perspectives we are much better equipped to respond usefully to situations. We cannot trust just our own perspective – as is illustrated in yet another of my favourite visual illusions here.

At our Communication and Relationships workshop last week we did a familiar exercise on changing perspective. We looked at a relationship from our own point of view, from the other person’s point of view and from other perspectives as well. Afterwards – as often happens – someone commented that they thought they already knew what it was like from the other person’s point of view, but when they actually did the exercise their experience was wholly different and unexpected. What they thought they knew was not the case at all. We often imagine we are including other points of view in our thinking when we aren’t really. Have you ever said to yourself, “I know he thinks that I think that he thinks I’m a…?”!

Once we have genuinely different perspectives we are much better equipped to respond usefully to situations. We cannot trust just our own perspective – as is illustrated in yet another of my favourite visual illusions here.

Chequer board illusionObserve the small grey squares at the intersections of the larger black squares. Actually, they are not there! There are no small grey squares. Your eyes are creating the illusion. Funnily enough, each grey square is there until you really focus on it individually – as you change your perspective it dissolves.

(If you like visual illusions, try this moving pink dots one too, following the instructions below the picture: http://lightisreal.com/lightillusion.html.)

If you constantly trust only your own perspective you can get things so wrong! This was beautifully illustrated by the reaction of a BaMbuti pygmy called Kenge in the 1950s. The anthropologist Colin Turnbull describes what happened when he took Kenge out of the dense forest where he had lived his whole life without distant views and showed him the plains stretching far into the distance below:

“Kenge looked over the plains and down to where a herd of about a hundred buffalo were grazing some miles away. He asked me what kind of insects they were, and I told him they were buffalo, twice as big as the forest buffalo known to him. He laughed loudly and told me not to tell such stupid stories, and asked me again what kind of insects they were. He then talked to himself, for want of more intelligent company, and tried to liken the buffalo to the various beetles and ants with which he was familiar.” (Turnbull 1963)

sorry I shouted

NLP is all about redrawing our personal maps. Many (I would even say most) processes in NLP training are based on insights gained from a change of perspective. By perspective I do not refer just to looking but to evidence from the other senses as well. The kinaesthetic sense – feeling – is particularly important in this regard.

Sometimes in a course I will explain a concept and a participant will respond intellectually, “I get it.” Then they go off and have a practical experience of what we were talking about, and they come back and their physiology is different, their voice is different, the look in the eye is different; and they then say “I get it” from a completely different – deeper – place. That’s “getting it in the muscle.”

Feeling is often the crucial factor in being able to adopt a genuinely different perspective. It may happen that I’m able to see what you are going through; I can hear what’s going on for you. But when I step into your shoes and feel your perspective, ah, then I get it – in a much more settled way. And what I “get” is often very different from what I thought it would be – even oddly counter-intuitive at times. It doesn’t just add to my learning; it changes my learning.

           “Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.”  Arthur Schopenhauer

          “A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.”  Samuel Grafton

Voice of Influence Workshop – 31 March–1 April

Interesting stuff…

The Voice of Influence workshop is coming up again in a couple of weeks. If there were ever an area where understanding the theory and getting it in practice were different public speaking is it. You tell yourself that you don’t need to shake from fear and then you shake anyway – it can be so frustrating! Getting it in the muscle in this workshop is such a relief for people and so effective too. It’s great to witness the changes that are achieved.

Leadership & Influence Workshop – 17-18 March

This workshop – which contributes towards the Diploma in NLP –also explores differences between thinking and doing. You will learn how to walk the talk as a leader and thus build a strong inner sense of confidence. You will also learn some great models of leadership, including systems thinking (see my last newsletter on babies being thrown out with the bath water in organisational change).

The workshops are friendly, lively and strongly focused. If you want to make changes you will make them here. Look at www.voiceofinfluence.co.uk for more information or contact me directly – I’m always happy to talk about your ideas and aspirations.

Coaching

I am more and more convinced by the art of coaching as an effective means of fulfilling your life’s promise. We all get stuck at times, and coaching is the best un-sticker I know!  But it’s also a great tool for highly successful people to step into the exceptional.

Most coaching clients arrange a short series of sessions – perhaps 4 or 6 – to achieve a particular set of outcomes.

What might you use coaching for? All sorts of reasons! Maybe one of the following?

  • To find out what you want and move towards it, e.g. clarify a career direction
  • To sort out some relationship(s) and move forward; to create new relationships
  • To prepare yourself for promotion, an interview, a conference, a bid
  • To move through personal blocks that are holding you back
  • To improve your performance in terms of leadership, management, personal organisation, confidence, impact etc.
  • To dream of the impossible, make it possible, and achieve it.

Richmond NLP Group – http://www.richmondnlpgroup.org.uk/

Do you know about this popular group? – they get some great speakers and sessions are interactive (to persist with my theme of getting it in the muscle). Next month’s session on Thursday 24th March features Arielle Essex talking about The Paradigm Shift – Turning Problems into Gifts – should be good! Contact Henrietta@RichmondNLPGroup.org.uk to sign up and for further information.

Go well!