What if …
okay, back to fundamentals, let’s just consider this for a moment –
what if you were completely okay?
Cut the subjunctive:
what if you are completely okay?
I mean absolutely, completely okay, just as you are?
There is just a chance that you already are. You may be in love, and the person you most esteem in the whole wide world is assuring you in every possible way that you are absolutely perfect, just as you are. If you are someone who has ever been in love, you might remember a time when someone else was your whole world, your universe, and their love for you made the universe and you in the universe amazingly okay.
It doesn’t last.
Okay, okay, okay, it does last; love does last; but does that very particular feeling of being okay last? Not for most people. You decide to have a ceremony to celebrate your love, and within the blink of an eye, you are deciding to go on a diet so that you will look especially great on that day, because currently, you’re a bit …
See what I mean?
So, to come back to my question,
What if you are entirely, fundamentally okay just as you are?
Oh, I know that’s hard to take! Surely, if you thought you were okay just as you are, firstly you’d be self-deluded, and secondly, there’d be no motivation to improve yourself? But we’re not talking perfect, we’re talking okay as opposed to not-okay.
What would be different?
I ask myself that question this morning, a day of dark skies and continuous rain, plenty of time to think about it. Oh my gosh, sobering thought, here goes …
- Well, for example, I’ve just done half an hour of home yoga – so what would be different with that? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t need to push myself towards a result to feel justified in the practice. Without trying to get somewhere, I’d just enjoy the feelings of movement and stillness, of stretch and strength. I think it might be joyful. In fact, without the straining to do something right, I’d try out some free movement just as the mood took me and enjoy the combination of breath and rhythm and movement, lively and slow. No right and wrong. My body might even become my friend, a means of expression, creative. I like that.
- Generally, I wouldn’t have so much need to worry, and I do worry a lot. I call it getting excited ahead of events or being prepared – but it’s worry really. Have I done enough? Will people be happy with it? Will I achieve success? Ah, there’s a word that has other people’s branding all over it. But if I’m okay, I don’t worry about success in the eyes of other people, I don’t have to squeeze and bully myself to fit expectations. I put my own mark on it, and it gives me the glorious freedom to act as I want to act. I feel an energy rush even as I write those words.So – who knew it? – being okay energises. Well, of course it does; we all know that angst and tension are exhausting. Knowing I’m okay before an event – that is, I’m okay whatever happens – allows me the joy of imagining new ways of being with people, and fresh approaches to take. Creativity soars. If I’m okay, pressure lifts. I breathe afresh.
My face gets warm, tears feel close. Forgiveness seems in order. I’m sorry, self. I’ve been a bully. And for what? It’s just cut me off. Whipping myself into hard work – and competitive hard work at that – isn’t necessary at all. “Yes, but,” I tell myself, “but I’m the kind of person who needs incentives, and structure and goals. If I don’t force myself, I’m afraid that …” Woah! you’ve slipped back into not okay, and you’ve hit on the cause – being afraid. Come back to the practice: what if you are completely okay?
- If I’m truly okay, I trust myself. This is true even if you find yourself at rock bottom and the choice ahead is between very, very bad and pretty damn awful but not quite as bad. That’s still a choice, and if you trust yourself, you’ll make a good choice; and then another; and another. And good choices lead to a good life.In any case, If I’m okay, mistakes are okay too, and sometimes a gift. The thing is, a mistake doesn’t make you not okay. The world is not four-square: it’s full of anomalies, oddities, rarities, irregularities, quirks, variations, eccentricities; and hurray for that. If you’re okay, you learn from mistakes and stay okay; if you’re not okay, a mistake merely confirms that you’re not okay – nothing learned.
- If I’m okay, you’re probably more okay too. All through this strange and taxing year, haven’t you found solace from friends who in spite of everything they’re going through are fundamentally okay? Me too. And If you’re okay, there’s more to laugh about. You jettison that dreary ball and chain of guilt. Hallelujah!
- If I’m okay, I love more. Such a lot of not being okay comes from “I’ll love you if ….” (if you don’t cry, if you become the person I want you to be etc. etc.) which is what some adults implied to us as children and what – if we don’t learn in time – we pass on in our turn. When you’re okay love isn’t conditional. And you don’t look out and see a world that is reflecting your non-okay image back at yourself. No, you look out and see all the amazing things there are to see. Doing so, you lose yourself; and in losing yourself you are able to relate to the other with love and compassion, no longer alone.
Soft stuff? If you like. Relevant to business and to leadership? It surely is. You must be aware of bosses who are not okay and create havoc, and world leaders who after growing up on the receiving end of “I’ll love you if …” emerged as narcissistic, fundamentally irresponsible adults. They threaten the very planet. Whereas when you are okay, you form generative relationships and make sound decisions. You love and live, in other words.
SO. The all-important question: can you decide to be okay?
“You’re joking. I’ve never been okay. Ever.”
No matter. That’s entirely it. You decide – in your core rather than in your head. Your core is untouchable, and wonderfully, beautifully, achingly, gloriously okay.
And that’s the truth, you are okay, you are an okay person. Your life might or might not be, but you,
You. Are. Okay.
Writing this, a song I haven’t sung for quite a long time came to mind Here below are the words, and here is Shana Noll singing it (plus lyrics).
How could anyone ever tell you
you were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
you were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice
that your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you’re connected to my soul.
© Libby Roderick Music 1988 All rights reserved.
Let’s allow good stuff in this month. Let’s just let it in.
My good colleague Sarah Smith, Director at Indigo Coaching and Leadership Development, interviewed me about communication and influence in the autumn. Here’s a snippet of our conversation (with many thanks to Sarah.)
Did you ever want to get good at something, and then one day you took the plunge and had some lessons, and suddenly your performances was transformed, and you declared you should have done it ages ago? Coaching is like that: you acquire new abilities that greatly enhance what you are able to do. If you wish, you go deeper and discover your true motivations and purpose deep within. Then your life is transformed. Why would anyone not have a coach?! Contact me if you want a chat about it.
What a wonderful Christmas present, and so easy to buy. If you want to encourage our bookshops rather than feed the online shopping behemoth, you can order online from Waterstones or go to www.hive.co.uk or uk.bookshop.org.
So how about a book on communication from yours truly? (That’ll make my Christmas!)
The Art of Communication: How to be authentic, lead others and create strong connections.
We live in times where “living the image” has become endemic, and it chokes off genuine problem solving. This is as true for our relations with those close to us as for solving the world’s ills.
The Art of Conversation: Change your life with confident communication
Conversational skill isn’t just about being articulate and having lots to talk about It’s more about being at ease with who you are and knowing how to connect with others.
Butterflies and Sweaty Palms: 25 Sure-fire ways to perform with confidence
This is a book about performance anxiety – it offers 25 different strategies to perform with confidence. But it’s not just about presenting and performing – you’ll find its ideas useful for eliminating anxiety throughout your life.
Voice and Speaking Skills for Dummies
The perfect resource to discover the power of your voice, understand how it works and use it like a professional, in meetings, addressing an audience, or standing in front of a classroom.
Voice of Influence: How to get people to love to listen to you
“The body language of sound”. Like body language, your voice gives you away. Find your authentic voice, speak powerfully and influentially, and reach people on a deeper level.